четверг, 23 мая 2019 | О ПРОЕКТЕ | КОНТАКТЫ

Василий Рыбников: Управляемые антропоморфные прямоходящие На прошлой неделе вяликая Россия так тщательно не обращала внимания на военный парад в честь Дня Независимости Украины, что желание сбросить на Киев атомную бомбу стало у русских людей буквально нестерпимым

На самом деле русская национальная идея сброса атомной бомбы на Украину – это, конечно, лживая пропаганда заокеанских СМИ. Послушать их, так можно надумать себе черт знает что, а на самом деле на канале «Россия-1» всего-то и обсуждали, что одну маленькую, практически безвредную атомную бомбочку и всего-то на один Киев; при этом на лицах участников дискуссии сияло столько счастливых улыбок, что сразу становилось ясно, что это бомба дружбы, хвостатое счастье, от которого жителям украинской столицы будет только лучше.

Единственное, на что сетуют в радостном ожидании прилета маленького русского бомбардировщичка голодные киевляне, так это что русские танки, наверно же, зайдут в их забитый городок уже после ядерного удара, и кто тогда щедро набросает освободителям цветов на гусеницы, когда все жители города будут к тому времени мертвые? А между тем, в эти дни 50 лет назад миллионы натруженных чехословаков вышли на улицы своей столицы поприветствовать советских воинов-интернационалистов, принесших им Пражскую весну. Натруженные чехословаки понимали, что если бы их тогда не поубивали солдаты СССР, то трудно даже представить себе, что бы с ними впоследствии сделали однополые солдаты НАТО.

Неудивительно, что всю неделю лучшие умы Украины завидовали везучим братьям по соцлагерю. Как говорится, кто не хочет кормить чужую армию, тому придется кормить свою. Многие не смирились. Репетиции милитаристического парада, всю неделю не оставлявшие от Киева камня на камне, отзывались болью в сердцах украинских трудящихся, и было от чего.

Один украинский «Бук», по странности похожий на тот, из которого ну вы поняли, на полном ходу врезался в бизнес-центр, раздавил кофеварку, кулер, степлер, принтер, клининг-швабру, надежду на будущее, бизнес-климат, веру офис-менеджеров в то, что в этой проклятой стране возможен коворкинг, нетворкинг, питчинг, лизинг, петтинг и бухгалтеринг – и это в мирное-то время, когда не все так однозначно, а политики ссорят братьев. Одна улица Антоновича развалилась от грохота танков, хоть они по ней ни разу не проехали, – власти свалили все на ливень, но ливневки были забиты мазутом от легких гусеничных бронетранспортеров ЛГБТ.

Одна 95-летняя бабушка ехала на такси на поезд, однако наткнулась на репетицию парада, застряла в пробке, выползла из машины и попыталась дойти до вокзала пешком, но опоздала, а с танков ей кричали: «Бабка, курка, яйки, млеко! Шире шаг! Запе-вай!» и бросались гильзами. Один 150-летний дедушка вот уже 14 лет не может попасть в больницу, потому что то один Майдан, то второй, то парад, так и живет. Один журналист-обличитель обличил, что боевая техника на параде сделана из фанеры, и лучше бы украинское государство вместо того, чтобы тратить деньги на показуху, отдало эти деньги ему, но украинское государство ничего ему, конечно, не дало. В отличие от российского.

В России, разумеется, на всю эту мелкую суету не обращали никакого внимания, просто если какой-нибудь танк в ходе киевской репетиции останавливался дольше чем на полминуты, в следующие полминуты во всех российских СМИ появлялась новость: «В Киеве во время репетиции парада заглох танк, и его три дня не могли завести, а потом нечем было отбуксировать, так как у Украины нет таких технологий, а потом танк задымился и сгорел, погибла перебегавшая дорогу бабушка. Напомним, вся так называемая украинская техника сделана в Советском Союзе в 40 годах позапрошлого века, Турчинов заправляет ракеты горилкой, пушка «Богдана» стреляет салом» и пр. Остается лишь удивляться тому, как эта рухлядь сумела убить столько беременных людей на Донбассе и остановить наступление мирных донецких шахтеров, откопавших в своих шахтах новейшее российское вооружение, не говоря уже о собственной разработке военно-промышленного комплекса ДНР – суперсовременном самогонном аппарате «Чебурашка».

На фоне унылой украинской показухи блистательные успехи российских военных изобретателей кажутся чем-то из области фантастики. В частности, на этой неделе концерн «Калашников» склеил очередной макет боевого человекоподобного робота и показал его под страшную музыку из интернета с не менее страшными титрами: «Концерн «Калашников» решил приоткрыть двери в будущее. Одной из многочисленных новинок компании стал антропоморфный управляемый прямоходящий комплекс… машина на двух ногах, как будто сбежавшая из вселенной «Звездных войн».

Нетрудно заметить, что на самом деле «машина на двух ногах» концерна «Калашников» сбежала вовсе не из вселенной «Звездных войн», а из фильма «Робокоп» 1987 года, где играла плохого робота, который, правда, 30 лет назад выглядел значительно красивее и все-таки мог худо-бедно ходить, хоть в итоге и упал под ноги хорошему роботу, с которого русские изобретатели в 2015 году уже лепили робота Федора. Тогда он назывался «Аватар» с намеком на еще одну одноименную вселенную, но это был все тот же «Робокоп», только, очевидно, после тяжелой и продолжительной болезни. Впоследствии драндулет был переименован в Федора и несколько раз демонстрировался Путину на выставках в разной одежде под видом все новых и новых роботов, после чего окончательно всех задолбал и был бесследно списан на космический корабль «Федерация», на котором Рогозин когда-нибудь ночью полетит на Солнце.

К счастью, антропоморфный управляемый прямоходящий комплекс оконных штапиков – далеко не единственная российская разработка, наводящая ужас на западных партнеров Путина. Пока международная общественность обсуждала кражу ЦРУ секретов гиперзвукового оружия из «Роскосмоса», один из которых, по некоторым данным, заключался в том, что не сильно-то оно и гиперзвуковое, православные физики-ядерщики поразили мир успешным испытанием ракеты с ядерным двигателем. Пуск был совершен в ноябре прошлого года, керосин выгорел штатно, ракета подлетела на три метра и упала в Баренцево море, где, очевидно, и перешла на знаменитую непредсказуемую траекторию. Девять месяцев Рогозин и Шойгу с выжидательным интересом поглядывали то на Калифорнию, то на Воронеж, но со временем стало ясно, что и хрен с ней, с той ракетой, – угроза со стороны Украины все-таки важнее.

Пока решались судьбы мира, Россия в ожидании американских санкций резко снизила покупку долларов и начала вкладывать оставшиеся сбережения в проверенные временем ценности – золотишко, швейцарские часы, двухкассетники, кожаные куртки на молнии, меховые шапки, папирусы и слоновьи бивни. Российские космонавты на МКС активно меняют запасы творога на крабовые палочки, какао и джинсы «Монтана». Специальный представитель МИД России Стивен Сигал забил на карьеру бюджетника и ушел петь и танцевать на корпоративах, можно тамадой, специально приглашенная звезда – Мария Захарова с песней «Мы все участники регаты». Все устраиваются как могут, и только простые русские люди тупо следят за рекордным курсом в обменниках, лишь бы не было войны. Они уверены, что маленькая атомная бомбочка как раз и решит эту проблему.


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